Limbo

Date: 10 March 2011

Title: O! Love - Part 1

From: Facebook Notes

Love, something I know very little of. I hardly open up myself to possibilities and taking chances on love because, to begin with, I am indeed blinded by the directions to love. For me, love is a feeling that needs to be earned. And when I feel something, I need to be sure with what I feel. Hence, time is a factor. 

As feelings need to be developed over a period of time, I need to be showered with enough fun and troubles that would draw me in and out of a lot of feelings that would lead me to feel loved, can't live without each other kinda love. Realising my needs has their own flaws, what I need may not be needed by the other person. As a result, I feel that my happiness does not come to me easily - which is why I would rather focus on having fun rather than getting serious with anyone, a habit that has rooted my social skills. I've dismissed a lot of love confessions because most of the time, the timing wasn't right. They were ready but I was not. 

This condition has somewhat become my pattern. I was so used of denying love not because I didn't feel it but because I was afraid that the feeling was just temporary, not only for me but for the other person too. True enough, those who actually confessed their feelings to me didn't stay long. They wanted to love me and they wanted me to love them in return quickly. Why is it so wrong to give ourselves some time and space to really go through good and bad times together? I am honestly afraid if a person loves me simply because of the good times we had.

This is my weakness - my insecurities. If you think I complicate things, I am deeply sorry. It is never my intention to make things difficult for anyone because what I need is a certainty before I jump in to a living heaven (or hell) with you.

4 Years Later...

Date: 4 April 2015
Title: O! Love - Part 2

Love. Love is a verb. An action verb that defines a constant act of giving and receiving affection to someone you have strong feelings with. I am a late bloomer when it comes to understanding love, mostly because I objectify my feelings over logic. I overanalyse actions and situations and reason them accordingly to the extent people around me, they just don't get me.

Come to think of it, was it really me who was so analytical, or I just didn't find the right person who could unlock my heart? Looking back at my past underdeveloped relationships, I did go all the way when I had a mutual feeling with someone. Only later, when silly dramas happened, I started to feel annoyed. And I naturally get bored easily with silly dramas. But what if the person has got no silly dramas? What if that person reflects me in so many ways, I figured I've found my soulmate? I suddenly feel a lot of things make sense when I can see myself in that person and vice versa. I know my feelings definitely when I wake up, eat, sleep etc. thinking of that one person and I don't want to have fun with just anybody but that person.

O! Love, I am ready.